What is a mindful relationship? And how do I have one?
Why be mindful in your relationship?
It’s hard to overestimate the importance that relationships have on our lives. We’re social creatures for a start, but we can feel at our best when we’re in a loving, trusting, caring, mutually respected union. It’s taken me years to learn and apply a set of mindfulness tools to my marriage, it’s been tough at times (nothing worth having is a quick fix!), lonely, scary, frustrating… but also beautiful, peaceful, contented, joyful, funny and loving.
I continue to practice mindfulness in my relationship and now my husband does too. It’s changed how we are with each other beyond recognition. We now better understand ourselves and each other, have new ways of communicating and listening and fighting (yes, it still happens). But we also make up a lot quicker now, and don’t get so defensive or take things so personally.
What are the common problems in relationships?
We all know that relationships take work, effort and commitment to make them strong, caring and loving partnerships. But we don’t all have the tools or inclination to put the time in to make the necessary changes that would strengthen our bond with our loved one.
I want to help make this easier and fun by explaining how mindfulness helps to improve relationships, and give you some tips on how to start using this vast and practical wisdom in your everyday life.
Small adjustments in how you think about your partner, how you approach a situation, how you talk to each other and what you prioritise in your relationship, can make a huge difference.
So, let’s start by thinking about the most common problems we experience in our relationships. You might relate to one or more of these…
✩ If it’s difficult to talk about thoughts and feelings effectively, there is likely to be misunderstanding. And this can lead to feeling frustrated, not heard and can end in an argument.
✩ Overwhelming feelings of stress and worry affecting the relationship dynamic.
✩ Lack of empathy and the inability to understand each other's perspectives and emotions.
✩ Conflict Resolution, in that you might find it hard to find constructive ways to resolve disagreements and arguments.
✩ A lack of Intimacy and a diminished emotional or physical closeness in the relationship.
✩ Trust Issues, and difficulty relying on and believing in each other, which can cause doubts and insecurities.
✩ Feeling stuck in a predictable, unexciting pattern within the relationship.
✩ Being distracted or preoccupied which gets in the way of spending quality time with a partner.
✩ Unresolved resentments or bitterness towards past issues that have not been fully addressed.
✩ Neglect and failure to give enough attention or care to the needs and feelings of the partner.
Making time for adventures together is really important. It’s a brilliant way of making meaningful memories together. And to avoid post holiday disappointment, talk about what you both want from a trip before you go.
Using mindfulness to improve your relationship
Through practicing applied mindfulness, meditation techniques, breathing and mindsets you can experience your relationship in a very different way. You will be able to:
✩ Increase active listening and non-reactive communication for better understanding and improved communication.
✩ Manage stress, so you have a calmer and more peaceful relationship environment in general.
✩ Improve empathy and a non-judgmental attitude, for a deeper understanding of each other's feelings and perspectives.
✩ Increase your ability to approach conflicts calmly and rationally, leading to more effective and less emotionally charged resolution.
✩ Increase your presence and connection for deeper emotional and physical intimacy between you both.
✩ Build self-awareness so you understand your own insecurities in more detail which improves trust in your relationship. And in yourself.
✩ Appreciate the present moment, bring novelty and curiosity to everyday routines to revitalise the relationship.
✩ Remove distractions, be fully present with your partner, strengthening the relationship bond. Presence is the greatest gift you can give another person.
✩ Acknowledge and accept emotions, let go of past resentments and practice forgiveness, compassion and understanding.
✩ Recognise when attention wanes in the relationship so you can refocus and prioritise the relationship as necessary. Increasing physical intimacy in the relationship.
Prioritising quality time together even though we’ve been together for over 13 years. There’s always more to learn about somebody. Making time to be curious with each other deepens our connection.
So, where do I start?
All of this can feel overwhelming. I totally understand. When I first started applying mindfulness in my life, I felt that way. So my advice is to choose one area that is a challenge for you right now, and begin there.
Identify what you’d like to start with. Maybe it’s how you react to your partner when they behave in a certain way, or say something that you know makes you instantly frustrated? Or perhaps you want to change how much quality time you spend together?
Get clear on what it is. Write it down.
Now, considering what you’ve chosen, think about why you’ve chosen it. Why is it important to you. What difference would it make if this one thing was changed for the better in your relationship.
Get clear on what your reasons are. Write them down.
Now, think about a different way to approach it. This might be a less judgmental response, asking a question instead of jumping to conclusions, maybe it’s saying no to going out when you’d prefer to stay at home and have quality time together. Whatever it is, what is another way you could see this going?
Write down all the possibilities here.
Now it’s time to put that into action. You’re clear on what you’d like to pay attention to, you know why you want to do this and why it will benefit you and your relationship, and you now have some alternative ways of doing it too. So, it’s helpful now to visualise yourself actually trying out one of these new ways. Imagine yourself saying one of those things, perhaps it’s in a different tone of voice than you would normally use. See yourself behaving differently, the body language you use, and how you feel doing this.
So, you’re all prepared for when the opportunity arises for you to try this in action. Be kind and patient with yourself during this process. It can take a little time to change our habitual behaviours. Keep trying and it will become easier over time. I promise.
Celebrate when you are able to try something different and be kind to yourself when it’s not possible.
The more compassionate we can be with ourselves during this journey, the further we’ll be able to go….
I try to bring a sense of fun to this whole process. I can take things so seriously sometimes, which can make it feel harder than it has to be…
